Safety — Living With Someone Else’s Trauma: Part III

On the journey toward a healthier relationship, three key elements play a crucial role: safety, boundaries, and skill building. While each of these alone isn’t a complete solution, when used in tandem and with balance, they can transform your relationship with your loved one. Instead of perpetuating old patterns, these steps lay the groundwork for new, lasting changes. Over the coming weeks, I'll be exploring all three components.  Today, let's dig into safety.

Creating an environment of safety is an important first step. Trauma is all about perceived danger and self-protection, so the opposite–safety–acts as an antidote to heightened fear and lays the groundwork for healing. This is particularly important when interacting with children who have experienced trauma. They must feel safe before being given instructions or engaging in processing. Decreasing the threats in the environment will allow your loved one to connect with their parasympathetic nervous system–our bodies' natural calm down response–and regain a sense of stability sooner. 

One thing to remember is that although the threats may not seem like threats to us, to someone who has an association with a trauma stimulus they may feel like their very survival is in question.

For example, a certain time of night or day can invoke a sense of disproportionate anxiety, or a particular smell or sound can raise heart rate and cortisol for a person whose trauma history connects them to those specific reminders. It may seem odd or embarrassing when everyone else is doing fine in a certain situation but our loved one can’t get it together due to a trauma trigger no one else is experiencing.

In those who have a history of emotional neglect from caregivers, a trauma response may be triggered if something as small as their ride being late to pick them up. Panic, withdrawal, anger may all erupt as the sense of neglect is brought back to the forefront.  Our natural response to such an exaggerated and irrational display may be to quickly shut down their reaction and control the situation. We may feel we need to “teach them” not to treat us this way by giving a lecture or quickly doling out a punishment.

In someone who is in a calm, rational state of mind, these may be appropriate responses in the moment. However, when someone is in a true trauma mindset, our attempts to control or teach may only escalate their feelings of being unsafe as they feel powerless, vulnerable, and trapped. 

In those moments, safety is paramount and will look different for each individual. For a child, they may need their parent/caregiver/authority to hold boundaries that create the safety they are craving. The parent may need to walk the child to a quiet place and help them use grounding skills to connect back with reality. Or safety may be simply sitting with them quietly, modeling a calm and intentional presence that lets them know they are not alone in their perceived fight for survival. 

With adult relationships, where there is equality in the relationship, safety may look very different. Safety may come as a calm, neutral voice asking basic questions such as, “How are you feeling right now? Anything I can do to help?” or simply by telling them what you are observing and letting them know you are with them in this difficult moment. “I’m noticing that you seem really tense. I can imagine it was stressful to talk with your mother this morning. How can I support you right now?”

Over time, as we show our empathy and commitment to the person, we can slowly garner trust and reduce the trauma’s hold on the person in the present. Once safety is re-established, then we are responsible for holding our loved one accountable for damaging or self-limiting words and behaviors (More on boundaries and accountability in the next post). 

Sometimes the person’s behavioral responses to a trigger are not only irrational but also can be dangerous to themselves or others. They may become verbally and/or physically aggressive, or turn to an old addiction to cope with confusing feelings. Helping them find a safe space in the moment, such as guiding them to a different area of the house or away from others, encouraging them to connect with resources such as a crisis worker or professional, or just walking away and giving them space as a protection to yourself are all viable options in the moment. 

People who are triggered and in a fight/flight/freeze response are generally acting on irrational fears and cannot be reasoned with while in that state of mind. Be as calm and non-threatening as possible in the moment, and plan on addressing your concerns later when they are able to take in new information and no longer perceive you as a threat. Never try to argue with someone who is escalating, neither try to hug or touch them, even as comforting as that may seem to you. You may end up furthering the defensive response or even getting hurt yourself. Physical safety trumps emotional safety. 

Remember, as much as we want to love and support our partner or family member, safety for yourself is the most important consideration in these situations. You cannot be a safe person for someone if you yourself are abused, scared, or resentful in the relationship. Know your limits are ahead of time and know when to step out and let the professionals step in.

Safety is often the key that can unlock trust and help move your loved one from self-protective to self-aware–the birthplace of change.