Boundaries — Living With Someone Else’s Trauma: Part IV
Most people with trauma desperately want to “be normal” and find balance in relationships. It's not for lack of desire or trying that they act and react in hurtful ways, but their chronic and automatic fight/flight/freeze/fawn trauma responses (see previous post) stunt their ability to grow emotionally or connect with others. Often, people with trauma histories have developed a complex defense system that manifests as acting out or self-sabotage which is frustrating and painful for those on the receiving end. Stopping our participation in the crazy cycle is entirely within our control, however, but will require persistence, patience, and a level of emotional detachment. It all starts with good boundaries.
People who have experienced trauma often have a confused sense of boundaries for themselves and others. Because their boundaries weren’t respected and lines were crossed with them through abuse or neglect in the past, they may not trust themselves or other people to keep them safe. Because they weren’t protected in the past, some people may not believe they are worth protecting in the present and may tend to be too close with people, unable to assert themselves or say no. Or, on the other side, some people may feel safer with rigid defenses and have reasoned that if they let no one in, they can’t get hurt, resulting in inflexible and hostile behaviors. Both types of boundary distortions can be damaging. Different triggers or situations may bring out either extreme response– even within the same situation– causing friends and family to feel whiplash at the drastic changes experienced with loved one. It’s common for people with trauma to waffle between being too close or too distant, giving the loved ones they live with a sense of push/pull and disorientation in the relationship.
Being a safe person in our loved one’s life does not mean you neglect healthy boundaries because of the push back we may get when trying to set them. In fact, structure and boundaries are vital to someone who has been through confusing painful experiences and knowing where the limits are can signify much-needed safety and predictability. Boundaries are one of the kindest gifts you can give your loved one.
Since our loved one with trauma will likely be severely lacking in healthy boundary skills, it is up to us to create and uphold these important limits in the relationship. To be successful in the long run, you must approach every interaction with an understanding of what the boundaries are in that particular setting, such as what you are expecting of them, and what you are willing to do and not do. If you are not sure what your boundaries are, or hesitate in communicating them, then the interaction is likely to default back into old patterns. It takes an intentional and thoughtful understanding of goals and values ahead of time in order to express and uphold them in the face of an irrational trauma response.
Boundaries can look like clear rules such as “always take your shoes off when you come in,” “I’m not comfortable with yelling in the house, please talk more respectfully” or “I'm not ok with watching that movie.” Or they can be specific to the relationship such as “I feel really hurt when you don’t eat dinner with us. Can you please join us next time?” The more clear and directly communicated the expectations and limits are, the more likely boundaries are to be understood and respected. One highly effective format for setting a boundary, taken from John Gottman’s extensive research with relationships, is to start the conversation with, “I feel… about what… I need…” This process allows you to respectfully and clearly identify the why (feelings), the specific situation (about what) and the solution or boundary moving forward (I need) in a non-combative or judgmental way. Boundaries can also be thought of as a road map for the relationship–a helpful guide for how to proceed. They ensure a safe journey for the relationship.
Something I frequently hear in counseling as a reason why people are hesitant to set boundaries is their lived experience with their loved one escalating emotionally or physically. Thei partner or child may react by retaliating or withdrawing as punishment for them having expressed reasonable expectations. In other words, a tantrum, or even abuse has resulted, and the person is now afraid and exhausted from managing stressful emotional fallout. This causes people to back off and return to the established dysfunctional patterns. To break through this tired cycle, however, we must love our partner enough to hold the relationship to a higher standard. Clear, respectful boundaries may feel completely foreign to our loved one, but like all new skills, can become a part of routine if prioritized and practiced.
This is no easy process, and truthfully, the level of stamina and support required for change to occur may be beyond what you are willing or able to do for the relationship, and that’s ok too. Exiting the relationship may be the safest and most loving boundary you can implement. It’s also ok to take boundary setting on your own timetable or to even step out of the change process entirely while remaining only loosely connected with the relationship while you seek professional help for yourself. However, if the relationship has reached the level of abuse, then the longer you wait, the more entrenched the patterns of abuse will become which decreases the likelihood that the relationship will change or mature. Early intervention is vital if the relationship is to survive.
But if you are willing to press in and commit to thoughtful boundary holding, you may see miracles happen.
